There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
