the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
