Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just pee around me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
