my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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