using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
