He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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