I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
