The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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