Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
