i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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