just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
