I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
