the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
