On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
