you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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