I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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