4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
