There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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