My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
