i already hear my dad disowning me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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