Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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