She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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