last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
