Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
