we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
