Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
