I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the day after is always just damage control
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
