filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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