I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
