what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
These tits shall not be calmed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
