There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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