i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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