guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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