He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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