I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
