I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
