I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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