I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
