she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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