She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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