stop calling my apartment porn island.
is wine microwaveable?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
