he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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