my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
