i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
