i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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