so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
