So drunk its hurt
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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