theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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