Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
