I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
