There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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