Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
