I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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