Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
