planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
