shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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