if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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