i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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