I can text with my tongue
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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