Your mouth is God's brothel.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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