it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Success! We fucked roommates!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
