i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
