you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
